Three's a Crowd
by Robin Lee
Summary: While looking for employees, Mario and Luigi meet the woman of every man's dreams...but they end up getting more than what they bargained for. Perhaps the oddest story I've written yet. Reviewers, please don't give anything away!! ^_^


A/N: Yeah, this is another one of those "If The Plumbers Had A Day Off" kind of fics. Just like "Kung Foo Fighting Peach" and "TV Channel 911." Yes, they fall in the same category. Man, this ended up being longer than I planned... *sweatdrop* 

Warning: Goodness sakes, I actually have another warning in another Mario story? This is getting wei-rd.....just a little bit of lovin'....nothing graphic!!!! 12 year olds could watch this stuff on TV...but just in case, this thing is rated high. I'm vewy vewy cautiuos.... ^_^ Enjoy, lover-boy. *winks*

  
  
  
  
Hold, staple, next. Hold, staple, next. Luigi was tired of posting help wanted signs. He had acquired a large amount of paper cuts in very little time, and the work was monotonous. At this point, he would rather be plunging clogged toilets for a grungy restaurant downtown.

"Mario, how many of these posters did you print, exactly?"

"One hundred and seventy-two," his brother replied confidently, stapling more signs. Unfortunately for Luigi, he was stapling a sign as well, at the exact moment he heard the atrocious figure. Losing his aim with his incredulous stare, the stapler slipped and--

"_OW!!_" Luigi danced around the telephone pole for a few moments, holding his injured thumb and gritting his teeth.

"What's that you say?" asked Mario, not paying attention whatsoever.

"Ow…" Luigi whined pathetically, showing Mario his damaged digit. 

"Well, look at it this way," Mario chastised, stapling up another poster. "At least you weren't using the hammer and nails that you wanted to. Come on, let's go home and fix that. I think we're posted enough." The two plumbers left their work of art, which resulting in every other telephone pole in Brooklyn boasting a white piece of paper. 

Once they arrived back at their home in New York, Mario bandaged Luigi's thumb.

"Remind me why we just did that," the latter asked, frustrated with the entire situation. 

"Because business isn't as slow as it used to be, this is a good thing in some respects. But you and me," here Mario motioned with his hand at his brother and himself. "We're not enough to keep up with this momentum."

"You kidding me? Look at these muscles!" 

"Now if only you could put four more muscular arms onto that body, we'd be home free."

"Come on, Mario. We don't need the help. I know we can do it on our own." 

"Nice try, Weegy." The doorbell rang. "I'll bet that's someone right now."

"We're gonna go broke by the time we finish paying them," Luigi mumbled, following his brother to the front hall. "I'll bet it's gonna be some fat, butt-ugly guy who can't count ten wrenches."

"Quiet you," and with those words Mario unlocked the latch, turned the knob, swung open the door and--

A drop-dead gorgeous woman stood expectantly outside their apartment. Her long hair was a chestnut brown, hanging down around her perfectly framed face. Her dark green eyes sparkled, her long, painted fingers held a wanted ad delicately. Her shirt was more than skin tight, and her short denim jeans went higher than either plumber ever imagined denim shorts could reach. The brother's jaws dropped simultaneously, eyes bulging. Luigi stifled a guffaw, and Mario bit his lip; it was all he could do to keep from whistling and exclaiming some nonsense along the lines of "Arooooga! _Aroooooga!_"

"Hi," the woman drawled sweetly, holding up the piece of paper. "I'm here about the ad?" Her voice sounded very similar to that of Marilyn Monroe. 

Both Marios were suddenly nervous. They had never even considered a woman applying for the job of a plumber, but now that one had…boy, were they excited.

Mario looked like he was talking, or trying to talk, but nothing came out of his mouth, although his lips were clearly moving.

"This is the Mario's plumbing company, right?"

Luigi tried to nod, but he only got as far as lowering his head, still gawking. 

"Do I have the right address?" the woman asked, looking around at the other apartment numbers. "Maybe I should go look--"

"No! No! This is it! You've got it!" The plumbers both burst out at once, holding their hands up as if warning her not to move. 

"Okay," she shrugged, her still sweet voice echoing in the hall. "May I come in?"

"Oh! Yeah!"

"Yes, please do!"

The brother's practically climbed over each other, trying to make room for the lovely lady outside their door.

She waltzed inside, looking around curiously. "This doesn't look like an office…"

"It's th-this way," Luigi stammered, backing into the glass door and fumbling to open it. Once in the small, cramped little desk space, Mario finally got a hold of himself.

"Uh…um…thanks for um…wanting to apply, uh….what was your name?"

"Loxy Jones. Applying was not a problem. I always wanted to try something new." 

"I'm new." Luigi's voice was barely above a whisper, and his eyes never left Loxy's face. Mario gave him a sharp slap behind his head and shook his own.

"Um…do you have any experience?"

"A little. My father has had a few run-ins with plumbing problems…I've picked up some things here and there."

"I'd like to pi-"

"_Weegy!_"

Loxy blushed shyly and stood up to leave. "I hate to leave like this, but I've got some errands to run. I hope it's not inconvenience for you to call me at home."

"No!"

"None at all!"

"Be glad to!"

"Thank you so much," she said with great feeling. "Here's my resume…I really hope I get this job."

Mario swallowed down the lump that was rising in his throat, and Luigi barely whispered, "I hope so too."

"Goodbye."

"Let me walk you to the door!"

"Me too! I'll help!"

In what was perhaps the most pathetic show of infatuation, obsession and crazed love, the plumbers fought with one another to reach the door first. By the time Mario had kicked his brother in the ribs and made it, the door was just closing, and Loxy was gone. He sighed disappointedly.

"Now look. You scared her off."

"Did not!" Luigi squeaked, gasping for air. His brother helped him to stand and they watched the door keenly, as if expecting her to waltz back in at any moment. 

Deflated, Mario and Luigi sank down together on their couch. 

"We can't hire her," Mario began. "It's against our regulations. We've never had a girl employee before…"

"Is that all you're worried about?" asked Luigi. "I can't get her outta my head. She'll be such a distraction I won't know my nuts from my bolts."

"_You're_ a nut," retorted Mario lamely, a weak attempt at a sibling insult that gained no reaction. A few moments of silence, and Mario sighed deeply.

"We'll call her tomorrow and say no."

"But Mario--"

"Hey, you said so yourself she'd be a distraction. It'll be for the better…maybe that fat guy you talked about will sign up."

"_You're_ the fat guy…"

Mario stared at him oddly. "Got that?"

"Shut up." 

***

Sure enough, the next day Mario called Loxy Jones. And sure enough, the day following, she showed up on their doorstep. Luigi glared at his brother after peeking through the door hole.

"I thought you were gonna say no!"

"She…sounded really convincing…"

Rolling his eyes, Luigi unlocked the door. "I'll handle this, since you're too much of a…." his voice drifted off. Upon seeing Loxy, their tongues were tied…in eight foot long knots that reached the floor.

She was dressed in the required uniform…but with style. Her chestnut brown hair was done up in pigtail braids on either side of her head. Her big baggy overalls followed the dress code…except her long sleeved shirt was black, skin tight, and low necked. It had a rip down the front that was laced together with a thin black string…but it wasn't pulled tight. At their disbelieving eyes she looked herself up and down.

"Are these shoes okay? I tried to get the ones you told me to, but the store ran out."

Minutes passed. Finally Mario shook himself. "Oh…uh, yeah. Yeah, they're okay."

"Okay good. So where do I start?"

Luigi jacked a shaky thumb out over his shoulder. "This way."

Loxy's remedial plumbing training went well. She didn't act too much like a girl in the Marios' opinion, except that she _looked_ too much like a girl, which indeed was distracting. When she left that evening, Mario and Luigi collapsed on the couch again. 

"…Wow," breathed Luigi.

"She's like…a ten!" exclaimed Mario.

"…Wow."

"Her bod just might be good for business. Advertising. What do you think Weege?"

"…wow!" Luigi's voice cracked, and he stared out into space aimlessly.

"Luigi!"

"Wha…huh?"

"I think she's a keeper."

His brother stood up, suddenly defensive. "Oh, you had better keep her. You don't an' I'll give you such a pinch…"

"All right, all right, calm down! I agree with you!"

Luigi sat down, suddenly complacent. "I can't wait to work with her tomorrow."

"Me neither," sighed Mario, staring at the coffee table under his feet.

***

Luigi hummed to himself as he tied his shoes the next morning, humming a clever little tune he came up with, a parody of "Wild Thing."

"Oh Loxy…dun dun, dun-dun-dun…you are so foxy! Dun dun, dun-dun-dun..ou make me gawk-sy Dun dun, dun-dun--"

"What the hecks the matter with you?!" exclaimed Mario upon hearing the scandalous song.

"It's a song I wrote. I'm gonna play it on the guitar for her one day."

"Luigi, you don't _play_ the guitar." 

"Ah, I can learn new things."

"Geez, you make it sound like you got a date with her."

Luigi shrugged. Mario gaped.

"You don't do you?" No answer. "Do you?!?!"

"Relax, bro. I'm just kidding." 

Mario glanced at his watch nervously. "She's late. If she comes while I'm gone, don't let her in. Pretend you're not here."

"Why? She doesn't bite."

"Uh….just…just wait for me, okay?"

Luigi grinned, nodding with understanding. "Oh I see. You think she likes me better. You want a piece of the action, don't you?"

"Shut up."

"Heh heh…Mario's jealous!"

"Am not. I should be back in thirty minutes."

"Where ya goin'?"

"Pick up some…stuff."

"What's that?"

"Later."

"Wait! Mario--ah, you're not worth it." Luigi waved a careless hand at the closed door. Not more than fifteen minutes later, Loxy knocked on the door.

"Hello?" her sweet, soft voice was muffled through the door. "Is anyone home?"

Luigi hopped off his seat, racing to the door. He opened it, a big, stupid grin on his face.

"I'm here. Come right in."

"Oh. Where's Mario?" She stepped inside, looking through the house. Her clothes were the same as the day before, her hair loosely pulled up in a bun on the top of her head. "He's off running errands. He'll be back soon." Luigi picked up his tool belt, trying to latch it on and keep his eyes on Loxy's wonderful, wonderful bod. 

"Oh, that's good. See, I'm afraid…that if he sees us together, he'll be jealous."

Luigi's heart rose to his throat. "W-why would he be jealous?"

"Why, Luigi!" she exclaimed softly, stepping closer. "You don't feel there's anything between us?" 

Luigi backed up a bit, until he walked right into the wall in the hall. "Uh…I…wasn't sure." 

"Luigi," she pouted, stepping closer and wrapping her arms over his shoulders, her slender fingers lacing behind his neck. "I thought you loved me."

The tool belt, not quite buckled, slipped from Luigi's hands and crashed to the floor. Loxy ignored this, and kept watching his fixed stare, his wide open mouth. 

"I…I…" Luigi gulped hard, stammering. "I didn't know…you loved me." Shocking as it may seem, no one had ever come on to Luigi like this; needless to say, he was spellbound.

"Who wouldn't love a strong man like you?" Loxy wondered aloud, surprised. She twirled a lock of his hair around her finger, looking into his eyes. "And those wonderful, wonderful brown eyes…so captivating, so mysterious."

"Y-y-you think so?" Luigi was caught; like a fish being reeled in. 

"Of course," Loxy quietly reassured with a seductive smile, lifting her face towards Luigi's. Her lips pressed against his, and after an initial reaction of alarm, the plumber simply melted. Not five seconds later did the door open, and Mario stepped in. 

"Hey, would you believe it costs fifteen dollars for-?" He stopped mid sentence, frozen. "Whoa," he managed after blinking hard for a few moments. "…That's uh…weird."

Loxy broke the kiss and turned to look at Mario, smiling innocently. 

"Oh. Hi, Mario." She stood back, letting go of Luigi, who swayed a little before crashing to the floor. "Luigi was just telling me something."

Mario narrowed his eyes, raising a brow. "Was he now?"

She nodded, delicately wiping her mouth with her hand. "Do you…want to tell me something too?"

Mario watched her for a moment or two, then shook his head slowly.

"…no."

She giggled. "All right. I'll be in the restroom if you need me." And off she strolled, Mario watching her behind as it strolled right through the bathroom door. Whistling softly through his teeth, he shook himself and focused his attention on his brother, who lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling. 

"Look at you. I leave you alone for half an hour and you're a gigolo." 

Luigi smiled dreamily. "She…she said she loved me!"

"Yeah, and tomorrow Peach is going to marry Bowser."

Luigi sat up quickly. "You're serious?"

Mario rolled his eyes. "No, Luigi! Look," he held out a hand, pulling his brother up, "I'm not so sure about Loxy."

Luigi waved him off. "Psh. Ah, you're just jealous."

"Actually, I'm not. Course, she _is_ a knock-out…but that's beside the point! After today…we gotta cut her."

"What??"

"I'm serious. She's a real distraction." 

"Just give her one more day. I promise to behave!"

Blowing exasperated air out of his mouth, Mario nodded. "Fine. Just _one…more…day_. Then she's out."

"Gee, she's been in the restroom for a while," Luigi mused, crossing towards the door. He knocked. Not hearing anything, he shrugged his shoulders and turned the knob, opening the door. He stood back, shocked, when the door came slamming back at him.

"Are…are you okay, Loxy?"

"Y-yes," she said hurriedly. "Just…give me a minute."

"Uh, okay. Sorry." He put up his hands in submission. "Strange...I thought her hair was brown, not red..."

***

Day Three…

The Marios decided Loxy needed a more hands on experience, so they took her with them on their first appointment. Luigi held up a finger.

"Hang on, Mario. I gotta use the john."

"Luigi!"

"Oops, sorry. I'll watch my language in front of the lady." He flashed a smile at Loxy who was stepping out of the van some distance away.

"No, I don't mean that. You can't leave me alone with her!"

"Come on, Mario. I have a mighty need. Besides, she likes me, not you. Remember?" 

He sighed. "All right. But hurry."

Luigi saluted. "Right-o, Mario!"

"I wish he'd stop making those puns…" Once Mario and his new assistant arrived on their designated floor, the hotel manager directed them to the boiler room. "Fix it by tonight, we're having special guests," he snapped, handing him the keys. Mario rolled his eyes testily, opening the door.

"No problem." Loxy followed him into the room, full of mist and heated pipes. He took careful steps along the catwalk, peering down towards the other floors with a cautious eye. Eerily, Loxy shut the door behind her. Mario tried to ignore this. 

"Um, this is where we need to fix--"

"I love boiler rooms," she drawled, making her way towards him. "Don't you? They're so…steamy."

Trying not to freak out, Mario swallowed, reaching for his tool belt. "Uh…sure. A little too hot for me."

"I think it could be hotter," she grinned, leaning precariously against him as he turned to face her. "Don't you?"

"Gah….uh…." Mario pulled at his red shirt collar nervously. "It's getting kind of stuffy…in here……with you…"

"Want me to cool things off a bit?" Loxy whispered, running a finger from his temple down to his lips. 

"Hey!" exclaimed Luigi, having just walked in on the two. "What the heck?!"

"Hello, Luigi." Loxy said this as easily as greeting a friend from school. She stepped away from Mario, fixing her hair.

"L-loxy…" Luigi looked hurt. "I thought you said you loved me." 

"Don't believe everything you hear, string bean." Loxy's voice was changed somehow. It was more…high pitched and scratchy.

The plumbers stared at her curiously, eyeing her every move.

"Gee, that voice sounds…familiar," commented Mario. 

Luigi's face blanched in horror. "No...n-no. It…it _can't_ be!"

"Well, it is, buddy boy!" Loxy screeched, ripping away her hair, her face coming off with it.

The plumbers screamed, hugging each other. 

It was none other than Wendy O. Koopa. 

"W-Wendy!?" cried Mario. "It was you all along?"

"That's right! I'm here to stop you too mooks from ruining my daddy's plans! All I had to do was lead you into my trap...you're bigger fools than I imagined! My brothers should be here _any_ minute now!" Wendy sneered, looking very proud of herself. 

The Marios paid no mind. They looked at each other, completely disgusted.

"Ugh!" Luigi wailed. "Ugh! I kissed…._ugh!!_" He dug in his pocket for a tin of Altoids, shoving a handful in his mouth all at once and chewing like mad. 

Mario looked like he was going to spew. "Oh…that's…that's just not right!!" He held his stomach, frowning in revulsion.

"Um…excuse me?" Wendy returned their attention to her, but only for a moment. "I _said_…my brothers shoul--"

"Ugh!" Luigi scraped at his tongue with his shirt sleeve fiercely. 

Mario didn't feel so good. "I'm…I'm gonna be sick…"

"Hey!" Wendy O screamed. "Pay attention to me!"

Looking green, Mario motioned with his head towards the Koopa brat. "You wanna…take care of her?"

Luigi nodded, still repulsed, and reached for his plunger. He swung it over his shoulder, not even looking, and hit Wendy smack in the face. She stumbled back, flipping over the guardrail of the catwalk and fell screaming…goodness knows what waiting for her at the bottom. 

Sighing heavily, the plumber collapsed next to each other, sitting on the metal sidewalk wearily. 

"Well," began Mario, looking blankly at the tangle of pipes and gauges before him. "I guess…we really didn't need the help after all."

"Yeah…I think I like it better when it was just the two of us."

"Yeah…just the Mario Brothers."

Luigi grinned out of the side of his mouth. "Wanna get this job done or what?"

"Sure," Mario smiled, standing up to begin. "And when we're done with this, you can help me take down all those posters." 

Luigi's smile disappeared, his expression was deadpan. "…Maybe I'll hire someone to help me unstaple…"

"Don't even think about it." 

~Fin~


End file.
